More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
