he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
