And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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