mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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