What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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