im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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