Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
