I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
