You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
