I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
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