a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
