i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
