no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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