This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
