if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
