I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
