FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
