woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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