I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
did i walk over a car last night?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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