she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize