He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
