Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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