I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
