I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
