i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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