Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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