I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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