so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
