Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
