He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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