I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
