I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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