Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
