not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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