She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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