coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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