shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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