He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
