so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
