Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You were trust falling into bushes
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
