I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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