Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
