I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
