so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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