I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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