What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
