Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize