She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
