Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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