don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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