Im at strip club and am horny
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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