the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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