Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
