Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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