Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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