So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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