Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
