I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i think i just lost a toe
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
